From the highs of my birthday, where I felt real contentment and happiness that I was on the right path, that life was great, that I had mental peace, to the lows of the rest of the week, with tears, insomnia and zero appetite/permanent nausea. Phew – life has a strange sense of humour sometimes!
I found this Pema Chodron quote today (from the brilliant Karen Salmonson website – her irreverent words of wisdom and ‘self help for those who wouldn’t be caught dead doing self help’ have helped me through many a blue day), and it seemed particularly apt:
“Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that’s all that’s happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness–life’s painful aspect–softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody’s eyes because you feel you haven’t got anything to lose–you’re just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We’d be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn’t have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.”
That pretty much sums up my week, and gives me hope that it’s all good stuff and all part of life’s mysterious plan and I’m just in a ‘softening phase’ (I guess the fact I feel brave enough to put such a direct, candid post ‘out there’ fits in with the quote’s message too). The good news is that my inner peace, although superficially shaken as I process some quite extreme, ugly emotions, still lies solid at my base. I can feel its reassuring presence; the certainty that I am on the right path, that life is good – I just need to wait for this current tempest to recede. Other good things to come out of the week are:
- Yet another reminder to me of the importance of family, friends and colleagues. My, they have rallied, and I feel blessed.
- That teaching yoga brings me great joy. When I’ve wondered how I’ll get through the day, I’ve unfailingly been lifted by teaching my classes, feeling positivity and warmth at the end of each one.
- That my commitment to regular meditation is bearing massive fruits by helping me to deal with negative emotions in a more detached, rational way.
- That the abstinence experiment is currently a breeze – cravings for alcohol, sugar and caffeine are non-existent at the moment!
Anyway, onwards and upwards. Massage course this weekend, which is always a tonic. Being surrounded by our brilliant group and knowing I am chipping away at working towards my dream future will put a smile on this incredibly tired face… 🙂